I was ready to pack it all in and give up on my life. I couldn't take my deep, inner suffering any longer. The funny thing was, that everyone else thought I had a great life and considered me the lucky one! It appears as though I did a great job of hiding my dark side, the parts of me I was ashamed of. With the exception of a small handful of people close to me, society would say I had it all together.
I lived in fear every day. Especially after my divorce, I feared intimate relationships. I feared expressing myself and found myself not being able to communicate and say what I really wanted to others. I was embarrassed of who I was and in constant judgement of myself. This led me to all sorts of addictions. Most of my life I was constantly trying to please others. 99% of the time I would say yes when I was bursting to say no, just so I wouldn't be called a selfish bitch. I was embarrassed of who I was and felt that my opinions didn't matter. I was terrified of voicing my opinion, feeling like a five-year-old in fear of being told off. This lead to drinking a lot and spending hoards of money (just to name a few of my addictions). I guess I thought I could numb out and ignore what was really going on inside. My inner world was filled with sadness, depression and a lack of real purpose. I remember hoping that my life would just magically get better. I got to a point where I was such a mess and desperate for help. |
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